My insomnia has worsened because of my depression. I have now been up for more than 28 hours and still I am awake. My mind wanders farther than ever at times like this. I think about me. I think about everyone i care about. And I think about how I will act when I decide to return to society. I read this natural healing book that my Mom and Dad bought back in the early 90's, before insulin pumps were ever created. I read the three pages on depression and now, it is convincing, and I am convinced that I suffer from manic depression. I am what people would call bipolar. And to be quite honest, I am embarassed by it. This is just one more dent in my wounded and broken body. Depression, as this book kept repeating, is a disease. So, I am reluctant to say that I have another disease that i can't handle. One of the sections this book spoke of was how people that suffer from depression, often hide from society and run from enjoyments in life. These people, according to the book, also have severe thoughts of suicide, or suicide attempts. Not a day goes by where I don't think of killing myself. Honestly, not a single day sneaks by my visions of finally leaving my life and my family and my friends and just dying. I think of how I could do it, or where, or at what time. Who would I say goodbye to in a mild manner so that there is no speculation. But after my thoughts die, I go back to just roaming in nothing that swirls in my head. I just avoid everthing. I am forcing myself to stay away from society because I really don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be alone because at least when I am alone, I can stop seeing the things that I desire, or the dreams that will never happen. Instead I can just sit and sit and sit and sit. | 
